Foreplay – it’s a Good Thing!

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Got your attention?

Foreplay is extremely important, my friends. I can’t speak for men, or all women but foreplay can take so many forms.

I dated a man I loved more than almost any man I ever have, to whom I said early in our relationship, “I need more foreplay, my sweet.”

Without skipping a beat, he said,”Foreplay? what’s that?” and kissed me as he was finishing is sentence. It took my breath away, we laughed so hard and that was foreplay.

He also sang to me all the time and had the most glorious voice I have ever heard. The song could be over the phone the night before as we would be planning the date or in my ear in a bar – before we went back home.

There are of course the obvious, yet amazing forms of foreplay. Kissing is on top of my list. Hugs – when you fit into each other so effortlessly. Massages are great.

A not so obvious but one of the sexiest foreplay I have ever experienced:

I was dating someone who loved all the jewelry that I would wear. He found it very sexy and I would always leave it on after the clothes came off. Once, I had gone to an Indian wedding and came back with henna on my hands and feet. As he admired it, I told him how I couldn’t get the henna where I really wanted it.

“Where is that?”

I told him. A few days later instead of driving to his place he parked in front of a hotel.

“What’s happening here? Your wife home tonight?” (Yes, I say such things often and it irks them so).

He said nothing and we checked into a room.

“Hmmmm what’s happening here. I haven’t known you long enough for you to want to kill me. Besides, how will you dispose of my body. I am so much person.”

His phone rang and he said,”Send her up into the phone.”

“A threesome! No way,” I smiled.

I was getting on his last nerve.

There was a soft knock on the door. He opened the door and in walked a woman.

I was confused and couldn’t come up with anything funny to say.

“Where would you like me,” she said to him.

“What the fuck is going on here,” I screamed as I watched her open up a bag and pull out plastic cones filled with henna.

“You are the craziest woman I have ever loved, you know,” he said and handed me a bag.

I peered into the bag and there was a t-shirt for me to wear so the woman could put henna on my thigh. That was the place I had told him I had wanted the henna at the wedding and couldn’t.

When I realized all that was happening, I was so touched and fell in love with him all over again. A part of me just wanted the henna lady to leave, so I could thank him for the thought.

But oh, the henna was going to be so much fun.

Without going into too much detail of what happened next (remember, you have to buy the book for the x-rated details) – after the henna lady left was when the real fun began. The sexiest and funny at the same time was my attempt to show him my appreciation for what he had done without messing up the henna 🙂

Humor is damn sexy to me!

Now, this was the most involved foreplay I had ever had – I think.

Of course, one doesn’t have to jump through all the hoops he did (he was known for doing extremely thoughtful things. This is the same guy who flew across the country to meet me at Chicago airport, just to fly back West for our holiday.  https://datinginnewyorkblog.wordpress.com/2017/04/06/its-not-always-bad/

It’s the small things that turn us on. Do them often, dear men – the rewards are huge.

Until I date again!

 

 

 

 

 

Light House Keeping

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A little light housekeeping.

A couple of days ago I published the “critique” of an anonymous reader posted on my blog.

https://datinginnewyorkblog.wordpress.com/2017/06/19/its-hard-for-me-to-remain-quiet/

It was the second most popular post on my blog which translates to 300 plus hits. That is a lot for me.

I suppose it hit some sort of nerve, or people just like gossip. Either way, I’m okay with that.

I did some reading on the difference between a blog, diary and journal.

Following is the most helpful statement: A blog is another form of diary or journal, but it is one that is digital and on the Internet. These are often referred to as online diaries/journals or personal blogs. They may document your day-to-day experiences or even social commentary. Many people use personal blogs as a way to keep in touch with friends and family, as well as to share with them their thoughts and feelings on certain subjects. You may choose to keep your blog personal or to share it with the world. By sharing it with the public, you can open the blog up to personal comments from those who view and read the blog. This is unique to the blog and many personal opinions are common throughout the world of blogging, some are kind and others may be quite blunt.
My conclusion to all this hoopla – my blog, my decisions. This in no way means I don’t want your criticisms, compliments, etc. It just means – in the end it is my decision what or how I want to post on my blog.

In other news, a post I wrote on writing letters had an interesting turn of events in real life.

https://datinginnewyorkblog.wordpress.com/2017/06/19/the-lost-art-of-letter-writing/

I sent the above link to my friend/the person I had written the letter to and gotten no response from. I attached it with a message saying I hope you don’t mind I did this.

“Why would I mind? It is a very well written piece.”

“Because of the letter I sent you that you never replied to.”

“?????? ME! What??????”

“The letter I sent you a few months ago.”

“Letter? What letter?”

You get the picture. Turns out he never got the letter! Jesus!

I resent him the letter, because… don’t ask me why.

This time I did receive a reply in the fashion I expect from him. A clear, well written, polite reply. I shall leave it at that.

It restored my belief in our relationship/friendship, in that he always responds to whatever I say. And the fact that this letter, that consisted of me pouring my heart to him didn’t get a response was painful.

That’s that. This concludes the house keeping part of the program.

Until I date again!

 

 

 

 

 

It’s Hard For Me to Remain Quiet!

I really don’t know how to remain quiet – never did

I really hope to God that this doesn’t backfire – I suppose I shall find out.

I am always encouraging my readers to write me comments and frankly I can never get enough of them.

This morning I got one of the longest comments in the shape of a critique of my blog and I was thrilled.

I don’t think I am breaking any rules by publishing it here since the comments are public. And I sincerely hope it doesn’t discourage you from writing to me.

My goal here is to learn from the advice but also stand my ground on things I disagree with.

This is the comment as I received it:

A friend of yours who cares about you asked me to read your blog as a courtesy and give you some feedback. Simply a friendly critique from one professional to another soon to be (hopefully!) professional. Take it FWIW. You are an earnest writer and it seems like you write form your heart. That is good. You like to write what you know about. That is also good. There is a sincerity to your tone and voice. Very good.

Yet, these seem less like blogs (something that is meant to serve and audience) and more like diary (something that is meant to record one’s one private feelings) entries. They may be a lot of fun for you to write, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are enjoyable (at least in the way an earnest writer would hope) for a reader to read.

I am assuming that you intend for these to inform and entertain with intelligence, emotional depth and feeling. Sometimes, they start off like that but then end up being self-serving. And just like nobody enjoys reading someone’s diary entries unless it is to glean gossip and salacious details- an impulse that comes straight from our impulse to look at car wrecks- Nobody wants to partake in something self-serving for too long.

As a writer you want readers to sense your empathy and have empathy with you. This way, they feel like they are on your side. When you enter a space where you play yourself as a victim at the hands of horrible men, or where you somehow make yourself seem better than the men you date, while your own confessions might seem reactive and caustic, you enter a territory where it seem like unhinged ramblings. This makes your readers empathy and interest turn into a voyeuristic thank-god-im-not-that messed-up impulse. When that happens they stop trusting you. Or they only tune in for the outrage. Much like many of us (excluding me!) watch the people misbehaving on reality TV shows.

Now, if your intention is to paint yourself as a 50-something car wreck- which I assume it is not- then it’s fine. But I get the sense that you start earnestly and then give in to your impulses and your writing starts to lose focus.

Car crashes are fun to look at but nobody wants to be anywhere near them!

You want your readers to feel like they’re sitting with you and sharing your experience, and not looking at it from a sanitary distance.

If every time someone doesn’t behave the way you expect them to, and you reduce them to either “a motherfu**er” or “an a**hole” while winking and smiling at your own self-admitted bitchiness, intolerance or impatience, you come off as someone very, very thin-skinned and self-entitled. Think Donald Trump.

Writing is much like cooking: you want the people you’ve cooked for to feel satisfied and full! Sure occasionally, there’s a piece of junky, tasty indulgence, but ultimately they need to trust you and feel your empathy for the world to blindly put your creations in their mouth. Same goes for their minds.

Things working:
-earnestness.
-consistent updates.
-honesty.

Things I would like to see improved:
-Less “cutesy” self-congratulatory stuff. Self-deprecation is funny. Self-congratulation is annoying. Check out Philip Lopate’s essay on humiliation essays.
-Less victim-victor dynamic.
-Much less lashing-out — Makes you seem like an unhinged crazy lady. YOU DO NOT WANT THAT BECAUSE I DON’T THINK YOU ARE THAT. You don’t want your readers to think… “No wonder she’s in her 50s and can’t find anyone to stick around!”
-Fewer selfies! Very narcissistic.
-No feet! Ew. Just ew!

Hope this helps.
JS

 

My response:

First time I have been compared to Trumpy!

I am not a 50 something year old woman who is desperate – I shall be 50 soon enough, but never desperate.

I agree that you could call this my diary as opposed to a blog.

I relay my stories as I have experienced them. I have NEVER called all men assholes. I make sure I share the happy, loving stories of which there are plenty.

I put up selfies because I cannot put (or will not put) up pictures of the men that I am speaking of. For some reason I feel that when I put a picture, I get more traffic on my blog. Maybe it personalizes things or maybe it does nothing. But till I get a better idea, lots of selfies – it is going to be.

According to the writer of the comment – my entries don’t seem to serve the reader. My way of doing that is by hopefully being entertaining, or even a cautionary tale. That’s fine with me. I can and will never make this a how to blog – because clearly I don’t know how to. These are merely my experiences and how I chose to deal with them. They are not always pretty and that’s because my life is not always pretty.

Lastly, my formal response to the writer in the shape of a comment:

I thank you for your feedback. I shall definitely take it into consideration

About the selfies, I noticed that a picture attracts people to the posts. And since I can’t put a picture of the person that I may be talking about – I am left with the selfies.

I would love to know who this caring friend is so I may thank them

In the meantime, I thank you for taking the time to write me

Would love a link to your writings and good luck with your pursuits

 

My dear readers, please please let me know what you like and dislike about my writings. I get a lot of comments on the pages I post on (mostly on face book, instagram, etc. )

If you are holding back, if I irk you, if I make you laugh – I want to hear all of it.

Thanks.

Until I date again!

The Lost Art of Letter Writing

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Letters are a powerful, beautiful thing. Unfortunately the art of letter writing has been washed away with the tide of text messages and face book posts. I am guilty of this myself.

However I do write letters. Many letters. But they never reach the person I write them to because I never send them out.

Lately I have been writing a lot of letters. Mostly to guys I feel have wronged me. Recently I had the misfortune of being grandly fucked by a guy. He made a royal fool of me. But I am mostly mad at myself for having let that happen to me.

There is a slight sliver of a silver lining in that, the situation may be some what resolved. But I have to behave in a certain way and play a particular game.

These enigmatic statements are possibly annoying to you, dear reader. But I can’t tell you about it right now. I have to wait a few weeks to see how it plays out. Sorry.

But I digress…

I was talking of letters.

When I write a letter, it calms me. It helps me organize my thoughts and work certain things out. In extreme cases, it helps me stay out of prison … but more realistically, it helps me from lashing out, using foul language and saying things that I may or may not regret later.

I actually did send one letter a few months ago. Did it make me feel better?

Maybe for a few moments. But not really. It drove me nuts.

I’ll tell you why.

Because he never wrote me back!

Can you say frustrating? Yes.

Can you say asshole? You bet your ass.

I was to take his no reply as the reply.

It was not an angry letter, mind you. It was a letter that professed my love for him. Okay not love but impending love or the desire to love him one day.

Without disclosing the whole letter here, I can tell you this that after telling him about my feelings, I said something like the ball is now in your court and do what you please with this information. Upon rereading the letter just now, I also said that I do hope you respond, in whatever manner.

What he chose to do with the information was nothing. Nothing at all.

I drove myself batty by checking my email inbox a 100 times a day at first.  Then maybe 75 times, 50, 40… You get the picture.

I got angry and wrote another letter. This one I didn’t send of course. I am not that crazy.

The sentiment of that letter was something to the effect that, “you think so little of me that you couldn’t even spend a minute of your life writing me back.” I went on to say that even a simple, “fuck off,” would’ve been better than absolute silence.

I am not sure that was true. Plus, he would never do that.

Now that a few months have passed, I can say that I am no longer angry or hurt. Time has a way of doing that, and I thank the imaginary Gods for that every day.

I never actually confronted him and told him how shitty it was to ignore my letter entirely but I did say some watered down versions of that sentiment.

I am still in touch with him and still am very fond of him. Maybe the impending love/lust has kinda turned into a feeling of deep friendship and affection – with a smidgen of hope – haha, I can’t help myself.

Now you may think to yourself, “she was talking of the art of letter writing and singing its praises, and then she tells us this story.”

Yes, I was and still am. I don’t regret writing and sending that letter, along with all the other unsent letters.

In the letter that was sent, I put my feelings out there and the fact that they weren’t reciprocated wasn’t from a lack of him knowing. And so I never have to wonder if he truly knows how I feel.

The other letters I write are highly cathartic.

There is something about the act of writing.  When the tip of the pen touches the blank piece of paper – it acts as a balm to my agitated, often hurt feelings.

So my dear readers, write/type what you are feeling and thinking. Write to anyone that is occupying that brain of yours. Write a letter to yourself if you have to, as I do often.

It can’t hurt. It can only help. I promise you.

Until I write again!

and of course Until I date again!

 

 

 

 

Grown Men Who are so Afraid of a Woman Pouting

There is a book called He’s Just Not that into you https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001HC8516/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

There is another book called Be Honest – you are not that into him either https://www.amazon.com/Honest-Youre-Not-That-Into-Either/dp/0060834064/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1497722786&sr=8-1&keywords=you+are+not+that+into+him+either

The second book is a terribly written book that I hated reading so much that I left it in the bathroom of the cafe that I was reading it in.

However, I did learn one thing from the book that I wasn’t aware of. Now I wish I hadn’t left the book in the loo so that I could give you a direct quote. But as I recall, it goes something like this – a man rather get his arm ripped off by a herd of wild elephants than tell a woman that he is done with the relationship.

This really was news to me.

Did you know this? Well, I didn’t.

Once I read it I realized that I had experienced this both in long term relationships and also after I had just met a guy once or twice.

In the long term relationship I always ended it when I felt the relationship was turning sour, thinking I should leave before he does. Little did I know that the guy was behaving in ways that would compel me to leave. And here I was thinking I was being proactive and clever.

Okay, so I can understand the hesitation in ending a committed, once loving relationship in fear of the woman’s reaction. But after 1-2 or 3 dates? How childish is that?

And frustrating. Don’t even get me started with how damn frustrating and cowardly this behavior is.

I did an unscientific poll asking several guys if they ever failed to call a woman after one or two dates.

They all said yes.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because I didn’t want to upset her.”

“Really? And by not calling her you are keeping her from being upset? I see.”

Jesus Christ! Men can be so stupid!

“I didn’t want to hear her moaning and groaning, or yelling at me,” said one guy.

This is a true story. A guy really told me this. A guy who seemed perfectly reasonable and sane to me.

Shows you how much I know.

I have news, dear men. If you tell a woman after the first or second date that you are not interested, most likely she will say thank you and that’ll be the end of that.

There are of course some women who will yell and scream and then boil your pet bunny – but that is a rare occurrence and I am not talking of those women.

And now for my question:

Dear Men, what is it that we women do that you do not understand?

Try to keep your answers short and succinct 🙂

In the end, I have to say this:

Dear men, why are you such babies and so flighty?

Until I date again!

This Should Not Even Be a Post! The Day I Wore a Dress and the Guy Paid for the Date…

I have a confession – I have had a bad case of writer’s block and so the following post is more for me than you…

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What I am about to write should not be so unusual or even worth talking about. I’ll try to make it short – but with me you never know 🙂

As most of you may know I have been dating for a long long time. Lately, most guys want to meet for a drink. A guy friend of mine told me that he doesn’t want to make the commitment of dinner.

There was this one cheap guy who accepted my offer to split the check.  https://datinginnewyorkblog.wordpress.com/2017/04/17/can-you-put-down-that-phone-for-a-minute/

Call me old fashioned – but that’s not a date motherfucker!

I digress.

A few weeks ago I met a gentleman, something that is rare these days. After speaking on the phone he actually asked me out for a date. He asked about my schedule and then offered up two dates that could work. He then proceeded to send me the name of the bar where we would meet and also 3 restaurants that we could go to after. He clearly had listened and done some research.

Sounds so simple – right?

Apparently not so, for many guys that I have been going out with.

I thought the effort he had put in even before we met warranted me wearing a dress – a rare sighting … to see me in a dress.

We met at the bar which was a nice lounge, not a frat boy bar. It had great cocktails and conducive to a nice conversation.

When the check came, he took it gracefully and paid without any hesitation or drama.

It was a nice night and so we decided to walk to a couple of the restaurants he had picked to decide which one we should have dinner at.

We had a great dinner, wine and marvelous conversation. While we were getting along extremely well it was evident that this was not going to be a love connection or even a lust connection. That really didn’t matter. We were two adults have a nice evening out.

Once again when the bill came, he slid it towards himself and set his credit card down.

Now if you stop reading at this point – you could be thinking, “Cheap bitch or even, ever heard of feminism, etc.”

Give me a moment. I am not a cheap bitch and yes I have heard of feminism and am a proud member of the club.

Let me explain – I have a friend who is much older than me and we were talking one day. I was telling her that I had been seeing a guy for a couple of months and he had paid for everything each time. That I was feeling guilty and had invited him for dinner and drinks for our next date.

“The man always pays,” she said without missing a beat.

She was so sure of her statement that it got me thinking, “Why not? Maybe a guy should pay for all dates and there are other ways I could reciprocate. Like cooking him dinner, buying tickets for a show, etc.”

Back to the original date I was talking about…

We ended the evening with him shaking my hand, which I never understand but okay.

I sent him a text thanking him for the lovely evening.

We spoke the next day and it was established that we were going to become friends. I proposed we call us “eating buddies,” since he loves food, as do I. And so we decided that we would meet as friends and experience different New York City restaurants and maybe even cook together some day.

Our next platonic date the following week was a movie and dinner which I paid for.

For those of you keeping tabs, I did not wear a dress but looked cute enough

See what I am saying now?

My new rule: when it is a date, the guy pays.

When we become friends or ‘eating buddies,’ we split the check or take turns paying.

Until I date again!

Writer’s Block – Help!

A friend of mine who reads my blog regularly upon my request, told me that I have to up my game when it comes to this blog. Seems like my posts are much of the same.

That statement, while I am sure is true has left me not knowing how to proceed. I have writer’s block, in that I have plenty of stories but don’t know if that is enough.

I could of course keep posting about dates I have had – good, bad and indifferent. Or I could up my game as was suggested. But I don’t know how.

And so I turn to you my dear readers.

What should I write about?

What do you enjoy reading here?

Know that the goal of this blog was to get me writing and documenting my experiences, which I want to eventually compile into a book. Just a book about my dating experiences – not a how-to book – because I certainly don’t know how to do this right. Else I would be off these dating sites and doing things that I wouldn’t blog about.

This is me asking for help, suggestions, links, anything.

I thank you in advance.

Until I date again!