“Everything happens for a reason.”
“We should learn from our experiences.”
Common sayings that we hear often. I wonder if it is just to console us in times when there are no answers or is there some truth to that. I don’t know what is true and what isn’t but I sure do try to learn from my experiences.
The last relationship I was in ended horribly. Just horribly. More about that some other day. After the awful awful heartache I experienced after the breakup, I wondered why what happened, happened and more importantly, what did I learn.
Well, so far what I have been able to come up with is that “when they tell you something, you should listen.” I’ll explain more but I must say that I am looking for more reasons since the pain I felt and still feel is certainly not congruent to just that one lesson. But believe me, it is a big lesson. One would think it is obvious, but it isn’t always. At least it wasn’t to me.
I loved this man intensely. Probably more intensely that I have loved any other man. And just a few months into the relationship, he tells me: “I love you. I am attracted to you. You are my best friend. But that’s it.”
Translation: I don’t see a future with you. You are not the one.
Did Geetika run after she heard that?
No she didn’t.
Why? You may ask.
Because I am special, also known as stupid in some circles.
Six months into the relationship, he tells a bunch of strangers in a bar that while I am his best friend, he isn’t my boyfriend and I don’t seem to understand that.
Even though I was shocked that he said that, I didn’t get up and leave. Actually, I did get up to leave but he convinced me to stay.
Yes Stupid. I know.
But lets fast forward and let me show you the partial silver lining.
The lesson learned: listen to them when they are clearly telling you something.
Months after breaking off the aforementioned relationship, I began talking to a guy that I really liked. There was something about him that made me want to spend a lot of time with him. He had many of the qualities that I am always listing to guys when they ask, what are you looking for.
Someone who is funny, generous in nature which means they are generous with their time and attention.
We starting having heart to heart conversations very early on and he told me that he never wanted to be alone. That was enough information for so early on in the relationship, that he was open and willing to look and work on a committed long term relationship – which is what I am looking for.
Well, I was happy and hopeful.
Within weeks he told me that he has been fighting “demons” for some time and so every so often he may not be as responsive or available. I thought that was fair and appreciated that he told me. I myself have gone through depression and so I know how it feels. We talked about what he was going through and I decided to be patient and understanding.
Right after telling me though, he started pulling away. I would send him messages telling him that I was there for him if and when he wants to talk. Other than that, I hope that he feels better.
Most of the time there wasn’t much of a response – which is understandable. One is not too chatty when they are depressed.
He told me on more than one occasion that it was not me, it was him.
I heard him and believed him.
And I tried to keep things light without putting any pressure on him. Just sent him loving messages, sometimes funny ones. Photos of me hoping to make him smile.
He was still unresponsive and one day he exploded on a text over a grand misunderstanding. I was saying hi and he took it as me stalking him – to which he told me that “I was not his wife and he didn’t need to check in with me on a regular basis.”
I was taken aback but because he told me he was out, I said that “I knew I wasn’t his wife and that I wouldn’t bother him any more.”
After that, nothing from him as far as a message.
Now this is where the lesson from the previous relationship comes in.
While I wasn’t his girl friend, what he showed me by that outburst was that he really wasn’t into this – whatever this was.
More poignant and more importantly, he never got in touch with me after.
I would’ve thought that after he calmed down and a couple of days went by, he would send me a message explaining, apologizing … something.
No such luck.
When I left him a message saying that there was a misunderstanding that I want to clear, we spoke on the phone briefly and it was the most unfulfilling conversation ever.
He acknowledged that he overreacted. Even apologized albeit half assedly.
But then he went on to tell me how hard it was for him to be fighting those demons. He said he feels he is coming out of it but doesn’t want someone to push him down again.
“Am I pushing you down,” I asked. This was a surprising statement.
He said, “It’s not any one thing.”
So in essence he was telling me I was one of those things that would or is pushing him down.
Well, that was nice, wasn’t it.
Here I was trying to be nothing but understanding and loving.
He continued to tell me that he was in no position to start anything new and doesn’t know how to make that any more crystal clear to me.
I suppose he didn’t.
I got the message loud and clear.
What hurt me most was how callous he was being to my feelings. By now he knew me well enough that I would be upset after his outburst which he acknowledged was an overreaction and yet he didn’t deem me important enough to make it better. That is a clear sign that the person is not kind or generous in nature, and I don’t want that sort of person in my life.
And so this is my tale of learning from my experiences.
I hope that it helps you in some manner and I would love to hear if you have had any learning experiences or your own. Or would like to add anything to my narrative – agreeing or disagreeing with me.
That’s it for now.
Until I date again!